Federal Judge Cabrera'a baring black women from naming their children

After Judge Cabrera’s historic ruling, little Clitoria Jackson will likely undergo a name change.
(DETROIT) In a decision that’s expected to send shockwaves through the African-American community—and yet, give much relief to teachers everywhere—a federal judge ruled today that black women no longer have independent naming rights for their children. Too many black children—and many adults—bear names that border on not even being words, he said.
“I am simply tired of these ridiculous names black women are giving their children,” said U.S. Federal Judge Ryan Cabrera before rendering his decision. “Someone had to put a stop to it.”
The rule applies to all black women, but Cabrera singled out impoverished mothers.
“They are the worst perpetrators,” he said. “They put in apostrophes where none are needed. They think a ‘Q’ is a must. There was a time when Shaniqua and Tawanda were names you dreaded. Now, if you’re a black girl, you hope you get a name as sensible as one of those.”
Few stepped forward to defend black women—and black women themselves seemed relieved.
“It’s so hard to keep coming up with something unique,” said Uneeqqi Jenkins, 22, an African-American mother of seven who survives on public assistance. Her children are named Daryl, Q’Antity, Uhlleejsha, Cray-Ig, Fellisittee, Tay’Sh’awn and Day’Shawndra.
Beginning in one week, at least three white people must agree with the name before a black mother can name her child.
“Hopefully we can see a lot more black children with sensible names like Jake and Connor,” Cabrera said.
His ruling stemmed from a lawsuit brought by a 13-year-old girl whose mother created her name using Incan hieroglyphics.
“She said it would make me stand out,” said the girl, whose name can’t be reproduced by The Peoples News’ technology. “But it’s really just stupid.”
The National Association of Elementary School Teachers celebrated Cabrera’s decision.
“Oh my God, the first day of school you’d be standing there sweating, looking at the list of names wondering ‘How do I pronounce Q’J’Q’Sha.’?” said Joyce Harmon, NAEST spokeswoman. “Is this even English?”
The practice of giving black children outlandish names began in the 1960s, when blacks were getting in touch with their African roots, said historian Corlione Vest. But even he admits it got out of hand.
“I have a niece who’s six. I’m embarrassed to say I can’t even pronounce her name,” said Vest, a professor at Princeton University. “Whenever I want to talk to her, I just wait until she looks at me and then I wave her over.”
Cabrera’s ruling exempted black men because so few of them are actually involved in their children’s lives.








So you can imagine my surprise when I received the article, I had to make sure it was real.So while I am researching that article I find this second article, so read on.



Condi Calls for Removal of Detroit ‘Naming Rights’ Judge


Judge Ryan Cabrera Says His Naming-Rights Ruling Has Been Misinterpreted
(Washington, DC) Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is demanding the dismissal of U.S. Federal Court Judge Ryan Cabrera. Last week, after becoming fed up with what he described as “stupid names,” Cabrera ruled that black women would no longer be able to choose the name of their own children without first consulting—and gaining the approval of—a committee of three whites. (See Federal Judge: Enough With the Stupid Names)
“I am outraged that Cabrera has issued a ruling designed to minimize black women’s creativity when naming their children,” says Rice. “Having a unique name is a blessing. I might not have gotten as far as I have without the extra e and z in my name.”
Rice has no legal authority to remove Cabrera from his post; however, she has started a petition for those in support of creative naming and the dismissal of Cabrera. Among the signers are a host of America’s black celebrities including Oprah Winfrey, Barack Obama, Erykah Badu, Bokeem Woodbine and half the players in the NBA and NFL.
“We’re all examples of black people with unusual names who have beaten the odds,” says Rice. “We’re an inspiration to kids, like…well, I can’t pronounce their names, but they know who they are.”
Cabrera contends that his ruling has been widely misinterpreted. “I’m all for women who want to celebrate their heritage by giving their children African names or other names that mean something,” Cabrera says. “They just need to spell them right.”
Cabrera cited Uneeqqi Jenkins, a 22-year-old Detroit resident as one of the biggest offenders. While she named her oldest son Daryl, she chose to name her other children Q’Antity, Uhlleejsha, Cray-Ig, Fellisittee, Tay’Sh’awn and Day’Shawndra.
“Quantity is no name for a child,” says Cabrera. “And the way her mother chose to spell it is just criminal.”



I was not able to find any other news source so I began to read and behold, there was a footnote at the bottom of each story that was left off my email. I understand how storys can get blown out of porportions, by just leaving a small sentence off. Can you imagine if I had not have read and just sent those email to my friends. Now everyone can get the same chuckle that I did.

Note: This article is satire, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News. It’s not real, but we hope it made you think.